sha v 4.0

This weekend Mariel, her sister, and I went up to the Ikea in Emeryville to buy some new furniture. I was really excited because it was going to be only my second or third time in an Ikea, and my first time actually buying things. We got there around lunch time, and started making our way through the maze of chairs, beds, and lamps. Per the instructions, we found the items we wanted, and wrote down the section of the warehouse they were in so we could pick them up. This part of the process was fine, if not a bit crowded and chaotic.

However, I was soon to realize that drawing closer to the warehouse was much like drawing closer to Hell. Things just start getting worse and worse, until you finally reach the bowels of the warehouse, only to be set on fire and have your eyes gouged out with hot pokers.

The small items and lighting area is Ikea Purgatory. It’s not quite Hell, but something is definitely wrong. People wander around aimlessly, looking lost and confused, and usually remain their for quite some time. While we were there, I was nearly run over by a shopping cart, and witnessed a man calling another man an asshole in front of his wife and two young kids. The lucky ones escape Ikea Pugatory and emerge pure and saved into the light of the real world. However, the vast majority of people in Ikea Purgatory are destined to end up in the warehouse: Ikea Hell.

We stood in the line to get our pushcarts, and weaved our way through the aisles to pick up our items. Just getting around the warehouse area took twice as long as it should have because a lot of people thought it would be a great idea to leave their pushcarts in the middle of the aisle. When we finally made it to the aisles we wanted, it didn’t take us long to discover that the average weight of a piece of furniture in Ikea is approximately 9,000 pounds. We were able to pick up a few smaller items, but when we tried to get my dresser and a wardrobe, the three of us together couldn’t budge them an inch. I think I saw a whole family trapped under an entertainment center box. Eventually, we gave up on the larger items, and decided to leave those until the Ikea in East Palo Alto opened.

Since we had finished picking up our items, I thought we were home free. But I was unprepared for the gauntlet that is the checkout line at Ikea. There were several lines of approximately the same length, but I noticed that there were two lanes than were labeled “Checks Only” that were a bit shorter than the rest. Since I had my checkbook with me, I decided to try one of those lines. The two people in front of me took about 15 minutes to pay for their purchases, so in the mean time, I got out my checkbook and driver’s license, and dated the check, all in preparation for a speedy checkout. I even made sure I knew where all the labels on the boxes were so I could point them out to the cashier. But when it was my turn to pay, the cashier saw me holding my checkbook and said, “Oh, you don’t have to use a check. If you use a check, it will take 6 to 10 minutes to approve.” Instead of arguing, I just agreed to pay with a credit card. Finally, I was through, and as I was pushing my cart to the door, I noticed that the cashier had scanned one of my items twice, and had missed another completely. It turns out that this mistake saved me $50, so I just decided it was reparations for my time in Ikea Hell.

I swear I had a better ending for this story in my head, but I’ve forgotten it, so instead I’ll just quietly…